According to totally and utterly depressing early reports, given the tragic deaths of 12 people, it is impossible to say with absolute certainty that this 500-word article will not make those involved in its writing—and potentially even those not involved—the targets of brutal and unconscionable violence.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-sadly-unclear-whether-this-article-will-put,37715/ – 1/9/2015.